I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
