its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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