Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
