My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
