Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
