I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize