Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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