hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
