"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
