I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Randomize
