Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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