He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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