So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
