OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
