Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
