Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
