Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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