meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
