i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
