Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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