I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
