I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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