First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
