if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
