just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I wish there were birth control emojis
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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