I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
