I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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