We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This is the high leading the old right now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I need mimosas to revive my soul
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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