hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize