there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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