I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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