Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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