Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
