I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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