you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize