My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
