I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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