If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
