He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
