Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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