Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
