I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
