Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am midnight drunk by noon
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
