The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
