My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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