During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
