I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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