I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
