Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
