it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
