I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize