like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
