Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
