I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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