What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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