Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
