I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize