Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
