i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
