This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
