Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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